Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in 33gaga's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
1:52 am	Just got off the phone. Have a good night, Take Care, It's been good Talking to You: Things to be said to someone at work that won't be sharing your body. Banal utterances typifying a meaningless relationship. Say it ain't so. I want OATHS. Rededications. A lyrical echo recognizing and commemorating the bond, which, due to our chosen schedules, require us to depart from this communion. Am I waiting for a ride that won't arrive? I worry, should I for a moment go to call about the e.t.a, vacate the position I promised to remain, then risk being passed by, the willingness to journey misinterpreted, seemingly declaimed, and my conductor to offend? or two travellers passing through until the injured danger of one requires attention the other cannot alone provide. As the one remaining capable, must he leave the other's stewardship to fate, to search out an antidote to despair, or invoke such knowledge to restore his beloved companion, that their travelling should resume? I have an opinion. And a desire. And most importantly, WILLINGNESS to continue. Describing the value in these three should surely exclude two. SO::::: "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." Substitute for "alcoholism" and "sober" such terms which correlate to the burden you've chosen to perceive. I love you so much. And, Lord, do you require a lot of patient attention.. Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
5:43 am	UH OH SO WHAT IF MY ANIME MEANS STILL LIFES HOW LARGE ARE RAVENS BETWEEN ME AND THE SUN GIVE BACK AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF INDIFFERENCE EAT AND SHIT BEAST-LIKE CALL PEOPLE MAN AND WOMAN SHED TEARS VENGEFULLY CAUSE DECISIONS WITHOUT US AND SAY THANK YOU FOR MY CONSEQUENCES THEY ARE YOURS NOW (Comment on this)
3:00 am	christ, shit Still separated, not a workin some pizza kitchen, at the Oxford House not much longer, boy done turned four last month. I HATE. I hate people lying about how they doing. I hate the people that inspire them same people; their seductive carelessness, their shuddering hollow lives propelling a vague hedonism toward the imaginations and baffling determination of ordinary folk. I hate to cement a curse on these plungers, but I will, and do. *****YOU ARE HAUNTED FAIR GAME I KNOW WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY AND HOW YOU ARE THEREFORE I WILL SHAME YOU YOU ARE MARKED WITH TRIALS I PUT IN YOUR WAY NEVER FACE ME YOUR NAME BELONGS TO ME EXILE IS THE GENTLEST PENALTY YOU DESERVE GO NOW AND SUFFER THE PERPETUATION OF THIS MYSTERY***** Current Mood: envious Current Music: wnrn, NOT 91.1 FM FOR PLEDGE DRIVES, MOTHERFUCKER (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
5:08 pm	gonna be sik.. yep. coming down with a flu. The boy is just getting over his. I know. Haven't posted in nearly a month of Sundays. Life is simply complicated. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
5:27 pm	more on the way Jeezoflip, I ain't posted in a long while. Not that all two of you missed much. I'm gonna drop some back story here soon. Current Mood: guilty (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
2:02 pm	I'm freaking out! Wholly Shit! I think I'm having a goddamn panic attack.. The Liv Situation is humming quieter for the moment, but still I am agonizing and obsessing over hypothetical events beyond my control. That's just how it goes a lot of the time. I'm lonely. Also, and far more importantly I've got family in the now-evacuating Houston that can't or won't be leaving; if that storm comes knocking, well, yikes. My aunt Barbara was trying to drive around to find gas, as she only had a quarter-tank, and the gas stations were out of gas waiting on tankers to emerge from near-gridlock traffic. So, her plan changed. Now she's going to be staying with her son, Brad, at his home; his wife, Robin, left with his sister, Stephanie, and her kids for Magnolia early this morning They're probably on a highway right now. Brad's daughter was afraid to leave him, so she'll be bunkered with him and Barbara. Stephanie's husband is a Houston police detective, and police have been ordered to remain. It's his family that Stephanie and their kids will be staying with. My mother is in frequent contact with Barbara, but cell phone traffic makes calls in or out almost impossible; Barbara calls from a landline. Even those will be in danger before long. Shit, I wish this storm would just evaporate.. My dear friend, Jennifer, is incommunicado; she'd emailed me saying wish me luck, that she'd be in touch when she could. She works for a Houston paper and was to be evacuated along with other staff, I think; I assume she and her husband, Andrej, will have hit the road with their pets, either yesterday or hopefully today. She'd mentioned in one message that Austin was a possibility, then, that Austin may not be a possibility. So, I don't know. I hope she calls soon. Another cousin, Dwayne, is having surgery today. He is a parapalegic, and needs to have a special pump replaced that's implanted in his back. I think it's a device to help him manage the pain he lives with. Last time he had this operation, a few years ago, he developed an infection, and his body was rejecting the device; he became very ill and was in danger of dying. I'll have to find out how the surgery went this evening. There's a strong likelihood that I may be starting to go over my First Step work with my sponsor this evening.. Yikes! Beginning the process of divulging my crazy-assed addict behavior, secrets? Shee-it. But I really need to get started on it, my recovery has been stagnating, and with all the upheaval and uncertainty I'm moving into lately, I need to keep my recovery real strong. Lemme tell you, a shot of bourbon or twenty has been sounding entirely desirable lately.. A quarter-ounce rolled into one doob, a few hits of acid and a fist full of cocaine would find me just dandy! Worst of all, I've got the money now to just go ahead and indulge all this craziness if I wanted to.. Money for a several days in some motel, AWOL and totally FUBAR.. These have felt like options. So, Step work. Talking to my sponsor, getting to a meeting everyday and sharing about all this. Praying for guidance and freedom from obsessive thoughts and for calm in the face of change, and regularly doing so, like, everytime I notice I'm not doing so... This is gonna keep me alive today, and as sane as can be. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Iron&Wine, Cinder and Smoke; yes, again.. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
2:18 pm	Alive and kicking So torn up inside.  That woman won't "be" my wife much longer; in the meantime she's got some hasty heart to promise some hasty-hearted dude.  I'll call him dude until he demonstrates some honorable behavior with regard to his relevance to my son.  Don't get me stupid, wrong.  I know how love is, I understand and believe how impossible certain combinations are to avoid; she is a sensuous, passionate woman that deserves to know passion and devotion. But this dude, I'm disappointed in him from the outset.  His credentials sound substantial, he drives a sensible car.  A teacher, a mentor,  she portrays him as disciplined and "spiritual."  My hurt heart demands to know why he can't just wait until I sign the goddamn divorce papers before making love to my wife.  I know.  I'm bitter.  and Jealous.  and Afraid of the Unknown.  And Jealous.  And Bitter. That's because I love her still.  And love won't tolerate regrets and too many disappointments and waiting too long or being deceived.  And sad to know that Love would move through all these things. ( deeper  ) Current Mood: tired Current Music: Iron&Wine, Cinder and Smoke; for the millionth time... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
10:40 am	Sleep was inevitable. Just a postponement of emotions. I understand so much of my reactions are a matter of habit, although the dross of fear and obsession are disgraced by maturity. One wouldn't think a 28 year old would be as spun out as a little kid, startled and bewildered, but...why not, I suppose. I woke this morning with a sensation of having lost someone. I feel like someone I love has died, like its just process and filler until the wake and a funeral; and I've only got to go to work, get through my evening before it's time to have closure. No. I am feeling surprise at how totally shatttered my thinking seems to be. I will be all day faking it, efficiently so, but distant and hidden nonetheless. For damn sure, I'll be listening to this song over and over. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Iron&Wine- Cinder and Smoke (Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
10:25 pm	Hit two meetings tonight, with a Red Panda intermission. All I felt like doing before I went out: screaming and swearing and rending my garments and rolling my eyes and gnashing my teeth; going king kong crybaby out in the street. But: perspective since these impulses occurred. I still wish for the best for my wife. (i have this nagging suspicion that it may be tough to put that term, wife, into disuse; ex-wife sounds so harsh, clinical, like a cold rubber glove. Perhaps 'past-wife') And because anyone binding to her heart impacts my Abbie, I've got the opportunity to think of this as his gaining family. He's such a wonderful kid, that's just more grandparents and so on that he'll have available as life filters. I still intend to meet my wife's new heart, listen to what he can offer my son. Yet, do not mistake any tinge of optimism or acceptance for serenity. This fucking hurts like nothing I've ever known. I feel pelted by emotions and utterly lost. My sponsor and another wise being in one of the fellowships pointed out that I'm actually feeling, and moving into new frontiers of my life by virtue of being clean. The future is undecided so long as I can remain present, focused upon the most important details: my sanity, my son, my goals. Don't humans just need to believe in something in order to act? These things I am choosing now to believe will see me through to an unknown prosperity. Good god. This damn journal is seriously at risk of sounding like a self-help text.. Jamming on the Wizard of Oz soundtrack today at work, Hints were offered which preceded this day's truly "psychedelic" events: The Cowardly Lion: What makes a king out of a slave? Courage. What makes the flag on the mast wave? Courage. What makes the elephant charge his tusks, in the misty mists or the dusky dusk? Courage. What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage. What makes the Sphinx the Seventh Wonder? Courage. What makes the Dawn come up like thunder? Courage. What makes the Hot in Hotentot so hot? What puts the Ape in Apricot? Whadda they got that I ain't got?! Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Dorothy : COURAGE. The Cowardly Lion: You can say that again. (TA-DAA!) Yet courage I must have, more than just my feeble and transitory emotions rests on it. Sheesh. Watch the next post be a bunch of blubberin. Out. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
3:00 pm	I just spoke with my wife. I'd called to talk to my son, but she wasn't at home with him. She was driving back to her home- her parents' home - from northern virginia. She stayed last night with a man. I know the divorce is coming, and I know she deserves to be happy. I asked her how it is she knows this man. He works with her at the healthfood store. She says he is a wonderful and caring person. She tells me that has been waiting for the divorce to come through before she lets their relationship be more than it is. He's a high school teacher. He works with underpriveleged teens. He's four years her senior, with no children and no previous weddings behind him. I've only ever heard his voice on the telephone, the time I called her store to ask her a question, a time "she isn't scheduled to work," he'd said. She calls him just a friend. I said I want to meet this man who may become an important part of my son's life; she said she could honor that. I don't have a right to be furious. Jealousy only proves the weakness in me. If someone can make sense to her, can trust her and nurture her.. bless him. But, for now, I'm flattened and sick to my stomach. I'm at work, so all the crying is going to have to wait. I know I won't get drunk over this; what help could that be? It's riding out the loneliness and confusion and heartbreak and staving off regret which frightens me now. I hope he can care for her well; she sounds like she's in love. Is maturity going to look like respecting and loving whatever he must be for her? Because that'll be what I have to do. I love my son so much more this moment than I understood loving him this morning. Current Mood: beaten, grieving (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 17th, 2005
2:00 am	still up Damn still up. it's ten minutes until two o'clock.  Must be all the caffeine in the evening.  My dream was mostly a lot of desperate wandering around.  Found myself wedged between two pallets stacked higher than my head, pallets stacked with dry goods, food packages, medicines.  I came to wedged between these kind of pallets stored, jammed, packed mazelike within the maddening humidity contained by a hangar, some gigantic warehouse, some vast shelter somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico region.  Mom was trying to get my attention.  She wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.  I become aware of thousands and thousands of people stranded, milling, wandering within this building's space.  There's mud on the concrete. Mosquitos annoying everyone.  Cargo flights swooping above a landscape, battered highways, lines of longitude and latitude.  I encounter a woman.  I recognize her, and want her very much to believe me.  I am compelled to follow her as she moves away in no straight path, weaving between people that are seemingly everywhere, people all confused and in danger, and without comfort or a need for manners.  The woman is headed somewhere, I am not welcome to follow her.  I do follow her, trying to keep up, avoiding people filthy with sweat and wastes of any kind.  She is trying to lose me in the crowd.  I lose her in the crowd near a section, a hallway, a triage.  Black humans, weeping, imploring, helpless, some with open amputations, gashes, broken bones.  A sewer or canal, a concrete embankment.  At the top, at eye level on the side opposite me is a long wall in this building, dozens of pay telephones, and the woman has waited and gotten use of one of them.  I am walking up the embankment to go speak with her.  I see her man beside her and regard him jealously, enviously.  He is depending on her action to get both of them free of this calamitous setting.  It seems like she's trying to hold shopping bags full of belongings, and dial phone numbers.  It seems she's troubled as if she's running out of money for the phone.  Her man doesn't have any more money, and he won't carry anything she's holding, but he's trying to light cigarette after cigarette, but there's no cigarette in his mouth.  He's giving her a hard time, telling her to hurry up.  I keep my distance viewing them, wanting to approach and introduce myself to her man, insist she let me have her time, offer her myself to help.  Something though about the two of them seem inseparable.  I don't mind his personal appearance.  I feel sympathy for his ineptitude for relieving them of their human danger.  I keep my distance and sink as the air of the scene fades and becomes blinding gray shadow.  I feel encased by boredom, grief, then futile anger.  I want her not to be standing with him, and I want her to get the hell away from this disaster area, but with me, because I only have the ounces of confidence remaining to survive it all and secure our fortune, an escape. Just a dream.  Too much sleeping with lamps lit.  Effin bugfear.  Effin house I'm living in.  Effin me feeling regret and anger because of the consequences of my best thinking. Pain enough.  Songs not writing themselves.  Chops not being honed.  Where's a dentist?  Can I feel satisfaction?  Honey so much I want you. Where are we?  Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Constitutional Crusaders (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 15th, 2005
10:05 am	bleh. I'm sick. Snotty, sneezing coughing and aching, I was glad to have yesterday off.  I'd called in to ask to come in later today, 2pm until 9pm, but I'm feeling skeptical of that right now.  Missed choir practice yesterday.  Had to call the folks and ask for a mercy grocery run; dad brought tissues and green stuff and fruit salad and alka-seltzer cold medicine, just like I'd asked for.  But I've taken lots of naps, watched TV and read Hunter S Thompson.  And being sick and taking naps leads to sickdreams.  Catastrophe dreams.  Being lost and burdensome dreams.  Alienation from loved ones dreams.  Rejection and embarrassment dreams.  Bleh.  I'd write more about all that now, but I think I need to lie down. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Monday, September 12th, 2005
10:05 pm	Today I was late late late for work.  So bad.  I didn't hear my alarm go off, because I use the alarms I've set in my cell, and the battery went out.  Didn't really matter much, though.  I redoubled my efforts, as it were, hustled and got a lot accomplished.  Best of all I was out of there at five.  And today was the first day that a distinction appeared on the schedule; I'm now recognizable to the crew as ASSisstant MANager (AM).  I figure my life there will be simpler, with my new pizzauthority.  The coworker with whom I'd had quite the falling out has somehow returned to work, after he'd quit, then come back to drive, then said he was quitting again.  I wouldn't have hired him back, but, it ain't my store.  The AM on the schedule settles matters well enough for my liking.  I'm sure enough his boss now.   The weekend was fine.  I didn't end up at church to sing Sunday; I'd kinda been up all night sleepless, so I overslept for that, too.  But I got myself together and got over to the folks' house to see my son, and we had a really nice time together.  I had fun.  He had fun.  We left for an outing.  He thought we should go to Toys R Us to play trains and get a Thomas.  I said we'll see.  He has a good behavior reward chart going at his mother's home; he does so much of what he's asked to do, helps with chores and brushes his teeth, y'know keeps his toys picked up, and he gets a star sticker on the chart for all this.  When the chart line is filled, he gets to go find a new Thomas the Tank Engine train car for his playsets.  He's got a million of 'em already.  He's ape about Tahwmit. Anyhow I reminded him that he had some ways to go on his chart, so he'd have to wait on a new toy, but I said we could go see what the store had besides trains.   ( Read more... ) Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
1:19 am	hmmm. I find out the hard way. A day at work; I dint feel so interested, and I think I shouldn't stay in that space.  I got a lot ridin on this job.  I'm trying to remember what's most important.  My son.   I saw him this evening!  I'd gone to my folk's house; to sit a minute after work, and to get a bite to eat, to keep pops company.  About an hour there; waiting to see if I should expect my wife to arrive after attending her friends' wedding.  I'd given up, figuring she'd just come in late, as unpredictable as ever.  I split.  Driving mom's vehicle back to my house, phone rings the wife's ring; she's in the parking lot out front of her work, calling to tell me Abbie wants to see me before he went to bed.  I tell her to stay put two minutes, 'cause I'm right there at the intersection adjacent to her location.  I  got there, and he's so happy to see me!  I can see him up and scrambling around in the back seat as I park beside them.  I get out, open his door and he climbs up to hug me; skinny little boy smelled like Thai food, his mom's chewing on something.  She was dressed up and lovely.  Far more importantly, it felt so great to see him, seeing how much he misses me, letting him know I've missed him, love him dearly.   I've kept his picture by my bed lately, instead of on my dresser; I wake up and think of loving him, and being lucky to be his dad.  I close my eyes after a prayer for him.  He's so interesting, and utterly amazing.  The only meager benefit of being apart from him at all is recognizing all the growing and development that has taken place in the interim, just simply profound things like diction and the way he expresses his thoughts, memories.  I'm so proud of him.  I may not be able to tolerate his mother beyond the bedroom, but she really does very good work to allow and promote his gifts; I'm very grateful that she takes mothering so seriously. Then, and, but, Jesus! she's telling me tonight that the kid may have LICE!!??  He'd visited his cousins this past weekend, and their parents called her parents to say Head's Up about it.  She was going to treat him with the lice shampoo when he and I got back to my folks' house, he conked out on my shoulder after trying to catch up to see a train we'd heard back in the parking lot.  Plastic gloves out, she'd already done her own hair.  Christ! I hope he doesn't have lice, and now I'd have them?  Fucking bedbugs and fleas and mosquitos and now befucked, Lice?!  This has been and then would continue to  be the most chewed on and bloodsucked, itchy and scratchscarred year of my life! GAARRR! She and I talked a while.  I managed to cop some feels, mainly to prove to myself a point about how a lot of her reasons for wanting a divorce are baloney, but truly, all that sex thinking really just hurts us both; I think hurts me most.  Seriously, right now, I can't imagine what it'll be like to have to let that part of out life go.  It's sad and a shame and not enough to only now be believing that sexual attraction can't be a bridge to higher understanding if there's no respect and appreciation.  What a shallow boy I've learned to be.     I got back to my house tonight after work, before all of this, and one of my roommates comes out and tells me some mortally sad news.  A guy that we had to evict from the house for being an active drunk and drug user, and who left on belligerent terms, quite nearly becoming physically violent with me personally, he was found dead. It's been months he hasn't lived here, but I'd seen him a few times at some AA meetings.  We knew he'd had to go to jail for a little while after he had to leave the house, and had been living in hotels nearby since getting out.  He'd even called the aforementioned roommate to try to convince us to allow him back in the house, just this past week.  The guy was a mess, and a manipulative mess at that, just like any active addict can be, will be.  And we know already that he had heart problems, and other health issues, so perhaps he died sober.  But we also know that the weeks following his eviction and prior to his return to jail for violating his lengthy parole were spent in another hotel room, very drunk and isolated.  He'd call the house everyday for a couple of weeks and want to argue about how unfair we were to him.  This guy wanted to fight me the night he had to leave, when I had only lived here a month, when he was so loaded he couldn't swear straight.  I believe that twice he'd tried to hit me with his truck that night, as I was outside talking on the phone in front of the house, him peeling out, driving his truck barefoot, going God knows where. It's sad enough, on those terms.  However, he may have just given up, drank or used to death, killed himself to death, on purpose.  Don't know now.  It just seems like another good example of a reason to be clean today.   Gotta beat it. Gotta get to bed.  Big day tomorrow, meaning today.  The boy loves me, I can't let him down.  The choir wants me, gotta sing bass.  Gonna try to accept my life as it will continue to develop,  the wife is gone.  That whole mess has to be over and done with.  Everybody deserves the best they can bring themselves.  I deserve the best.  I got a lot of room to catch up on growing up into. 'Night. Current Mood: melancholy (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
3:32 pm	another day another dollar. Having strong dreams, keeping me in bed through too many alarms! Don't know why I's so tired this morning.. I literally woke up (1000hrs), stood up, donned my work uniform, and trudged to work, where I was five minutes late (1006hrs), but earlier than my boss. I was still rubbing sleep from my eyes. It's 1427hrs now. I still don't feel awake. Haven't had my typical 2 Mad Crocs, or two or three Maltas and/or Vita-Malt Ginger. Just my trusty gallon jug o' Deer Park. Ate a couple slices of stranded pepperoni ham and mushroom pizza (that's pizza mixed up on an order and returned)and now the orders have died down enough to sit here and waste time. Had to get up a second to talk about the Pepsi product order with the vendor, outcome: we don't need any this week. It's been a bad week for ordering this week.  I'd ordered too much small dough, so we've got a gigantic stack in the cooler, which we likely won't use, just to throw away. That sucks.  And I ordered too many dry goods earlier this week, but at least that stuff can't spoil, and we'll just have a lot of plastic sacks and carryout bowls and lids and pizza boxes on hand. My boss hired a young woman who started this week. She speaks far less English than I speak of Spanish. We're scrambling around here getting translations from the Internet, hoping one of our two bilingual drivers is nearby to interpret.  I've had to dust off the High School Spanish, and I actually recall a lot more vocabulary than I thought.  I've been wanting to get some decent Spanish for a while, only, I don't have a lot of hope that this situation will much longer persist; it's too great a barrier for training someone.  It's just as frustrating and tedious for her as it is for me; I don't get why my boss would hire her knowing how poor his Spanish was.  It's kind of messed up, I think, because this woman will just have to get another job, when she could have been finding a job which wouldn't be such a hassle for her or us. Still got a long way to go. Gonna be busy for dinner tonight. Then I got to go get scrubbed and dressed for my meeting. Opening again on Saturday, maybe seeing my son Saturday night. Singing with the church choir Sunday morning, then having the afternoon and early evening with my son, until I have my Oxford house meeting and then my service at the NA meeting across the street. At least I can borrow mom's ride this weekend, while she's on a retreat; the way my bicycle has been acting, I don't want to ride it all over town, and now I can take Abbie somewhere during the day. Oh. I got paid today. Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
11:05 pm	beautiful hurricane weather Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
10:31 pm	brrr It's cold upside my head my thoughts is racing competing for power. All day fighting to forgive myself my regrets. Shame the master, shame the humanity I'm born with. How useless and failed I've felt, all day so long. I want to feel thoroughly useful. Be entrained by a skill. Choir practice was challenging tonight, intimidating even. My meeting resonated, all folks sharing sharing moments of thoughts I couldn't speak. Looked in the mirror at my inches of gut. Felt how urgently I wanted to replace the known with the unknown. So I bought another pack of smokes. So I bought some sugar and caffeine. Ate some processed tasty meat. Walked. My hands were chilled, and my legs below my shorts. So much is out of order. Whoever I could call on, I don't know. But the Army, the Guard, what a challenge! To discover if I'm truly too late, past some mentally ideal threshold, not some flaccid old dog. I've got a bitter and lethal fight inside of me. I would rather learn to fire a rifle, learn to stab and run. Uphill, downhill, both ways, screaming. Dropping fast asleep when someone lets my day be done. From where can I derive sure pride? I don't know how I believe. I will stand for blank. Thus far, not for family, or my own best health. I'm just a dulled cog. Better and easily replaced. I feel like I can't afford to succeed; too many bills coming in, not exceeded by the pay I sweat to earn. I feel like I'm exactly worth the pittance I make. I am. I need to catch up, not with peers, but with my own potential excellence. I don't know. I'd be just as good an EMT. A reading tutor. I want to help people, that they wouldn't ever have to feel this way, maybe; save a life, be a gift. I don't know. Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
12:02 pm	I understand I understand that any web images I put on my journal are not necessarily permanent. I'm not just too lazy to set up a client for hosting photos; I won't mind that from time to time such images will be inaccessible or altogether removed due to the status of the site they'll be linked to. Ain't nothing gonna last forever and always, not so long as people and electricity are involved. Sure, from time to time I'll just have a caption left alone or a placeholder and the little red x in the corner, all context lost. Or the image will be updated, invalidating any captions or commetary. Current Mood: dirty Current Music: 89.3 FM, KAOS, Olympia, WA (Comment on this)
12:36 am	hope I ain't letting to many of these mofos bite; I ain't slept tight in a while... Current Mood: anxious Current Music: some jive from KAOS 89.3 FM Olympia, WA (Comment on this)
12:32 am	nighty night more will follow. it is sleepy time in Manassas. Choir practice tomorrow! And a day off to boot? Thoughts of military service? Am I already dreaming?? (Comment on this)